[Anticipation & Anxiety]

The past week I've been meeting up with various friends (both planned and serendipitously) to say goodbye.  There's something about the urgency of leaving and impending goodbyes that makes for good conversation.  Morbid thought: This is somewhat like an attenuated version of how people on their deathbeds are more likely to be frank and honest in their conversations just because they know this is their last chance.

Anyway, I leave tomorrow at dawn. I'm listening to my boyfriend jam on his guitar (he's lost in his own world) as I throw my clothes into my suitcase and plug an unusually large amount of electronics to charge into the powerstrip by my desk.  I gaze at various items, considering if I should keep it or not and torn by my resolve to pack light.

I feel kind of guilty because I thought I should be spending my last hours in Las Vegas spending quality time with my family, friends, and boyfriend instead of packing. I should be done already.  Upon further reflection, this guilt is unfounded - I've spent a lot of time doing protracted and satisfying goodbyes, but I have a tendency to feel guilty when stressed out.  I've been quite stressed the last week or so because I've been procrastinating on the Fulbright application to teach abroad in Vietnam next year for two months now, and haven't quite worked on the teaching project proposal for the class at St Andrews.  That's my biggest worry this fall semester - that I will procrastinate so much on my essays in the philosophy modules, or other projects in class that I can't fully enjoy pub crawling or hanging out with the people I will meet, or relax when I travel around the UK and Europe.  I also have the tendency to overly prepare for things when stressed.  I have NO idea what Scottish politics, current events, culture, or education is like and was extremely worried that I would come off as a stereotypically ignorant American when meeting people.  I told my boyfriend this and he gently pointed out that the point of studying abroad is to learn things, and that it defeats the purpose if you're ready for everything.  Part of the fun is the unexpected. He's right, so I started breathing again and relaxing a bit.  It still hasn't quite sunk in that I'm leaving in 8 hours.